When I’m stressed out, I shop for office supplies. When I feel out of control, and my choices seem to shrink to a narrow crack in a concrete wall, I go shopping – for office supplies.
Walmart is my preferred venue. There is a fellowship there – of the poor and vulnerable, the harried and helpless – those for whom life has never been good, or those whose life has suddenly become bad. I can relate to the denizens of this place – a corporation often despised by liberal commentators, but actually the friend of poor people everywhere. You will not be taken advantage of here, and prices will always be low, if not the lowest in town. There is a range of quality, from junk to relative jewels. And there is plenty of space to walk.
I’ve sometimes accumulated over 10,000 steps by shopping for office supplies at Walmart. Although I no longer collect health dollars for doing so, because I lost my secure, middle-class job and the attendant health insurance, I know that walking is good for my body – and my soul. And the mere act of shopping for Ticonderoga pencils (preferably pre-sharpened), PaperMate InkJoy pens – truly a joy to write with – or a new stapler that actually works and is bright red, so that I can find it amidst the chaos of my desk – restores some sense of control when I feel I have none.
Shopping is better than drinking, especially if you’re a problem drinker, as I was. And even though compulsive shopping is an addiction in itself, it’s better than poisoning one’s body with a substance that promises, but never delivers, control. Besides, if I overdo it on paper, pens and colored pencils, I can always return stuff later, and often do. Little damage is done by shopping for office supplies.
Equating shopping with prayer doesn’t seem quite right, yet the former always seems to till the soil for the latter. When I return home, calm restored, I can take a new pen, retrieve my journal, and write “Thank You” to the Universe and to God. I can take a new pencil and sketch a diagram that depicts my inner world. I can try out my new stapler – ironically, the most expensive one on the shelf – and staple bills, notices, terms and conditions, privacy notices and statements that call to my attention but matter little in the long view, and file them away in drawers or throw them neatly away.
I shop for office supplies because there is so much I don’t control, and so much I want to control but can’t. And no matter how out of control I feel, I can always wander Walmart. And with that comes peace – a feeling I don’t control, but comes more often than not, if I try not to do everything alone, but rather seek out the fellowship of friends and family, or simply poor people, trying to make the best of lives that have been handed to them by Fate.
When I’m stressed out, I shop for office supplies. I wander at Walmart. And I always come home a little more grateful for the people in my life, whether rich or poor, family, friend or stranger. We are all one human fellowship, created for each other.
— Nelsonia
Eric, this message from your heart touches me deeply. There is nothing that comforts me more than a listening ear and warm hug when I am stressed. I just spent a weeks vacation with childhood friends.
Eric! Dare I say you’ve found your voice…and what a voice it is! This is my first read of your blog posts but I am moved. Your honesty and your voice is beautifully relatable…whether it be wandering the isles of Walmart to avoid an addiction or mindlessly watching a full 8 seasons of Dexter on Netflix in one sitting to avoid a responsibility you don’t want to face. The list is as individual as it endless of what we do to gain a sense of control and you’ve painted that for us in a way that let’s us know we are not alone. Bravo!
Good, strong coming out. Good ownership and provision of alternate choices. I also love office supplies. And appreciate the wandering practice. i also find painting and practicing piano very calming . They are things which don’t require language and so that part of the brain, the articulation of worry, has to turn off. My prayers are with you and am so glad you are writing and sharing.
I get the same effect by wandering at St Vincent de Paul. I always find an interesting article from the past….reminders that there were other decades when I had to shop there for family needs. I see folks who are down on their luck and happy for find a toy for a child, a jacket they can afford and choose, a pot or appliance to replace one that doesn’t work, a pair of shoes for a kids who is growing fast. I often find a good book or a coffee mug for myself or a family member and sometimes like you, I just wander. I can smile at strangers or help someone find something they need and when I leave there is no connections just a feeling that I smiled at someone who was lonely too.