Fragile Father,
man made of clay.
Nightmare monster,
glaring dismay.
Brooding boulder
shaman of my soul,
rock turning older
my heart grows colder.
Tender Father,
“Your eyes blaze with night!”
Farther, Father,
“This darkness, too bright.”
— E. D. Nelson
This poem originally appeared in Hummingbird, Volume XXIX, Number 2.
Commentary: I wrote this poem in my middle twenties. Like many sons I had a difficult and complicated relationship with my father. When I was a boy I used to have nightmares about him. They weren’t linked to abuse or other biographical events, but rather the tenor of our relationship. By the time my father died, much had changed. I was twenty years older, and our relationship had deepened and became more understanding. I had taken care of him during his final illness, and had chosen to enter the ministry, a vocation we now shared. I couldn’t write this poem today; it would feel disloyal to the man my father became. Farther, Father reveals our early relationship, and how I felt about this man who was the shaman of my soul.
As a teenager our relationships with our parents can be full of conflicting emotions and turmoil. We are fortunate to grow older wiser and forgiving in these matters. Also clarify brings much perspective as does becoming a parent oneself.